Ever since I watched last week's episode of Glee, I've been going back and forth on why I believe in Who I believe in and What I believe in.
And the conclusion is the same every time.
I've had a lot of thinking time as I've been walking/running the 1.5 hours to work every day the last six days. It was hard, walking through mountains and through tunnels and past the biggest spiders I've ever seen in life. OMG these things were huge. I think I spent the majority of my time gawking and silently screaming. Anyway, one day, I opened myself up to the idea that: as long as that spider sits nicely in its web, I'll walk by it without wanting to run.
And as soon as I did that, God spoke to me. It wasn't your stereotypical heavens opened, lights beamed and a big deep voice from above called down to me. It was more of a conscious thing. A small, still voice that said: If you give it room, it will grow as big as that space is. I realized this as I looked and the giantness (that's a new word) of this spider and how LARGE its web was and just how much space it had to build this web (which was my height and wider than me) and how it perched, right in the middle of it; enjoying the breeze just as I was. And I realized that if we give ourselves the chance, if we cling onto our webs and build them as big as we can, we too, will grow. We may need some help though...
So...
I believe because when I was a child, bad things happened to me. As a teenager, worse things happened to me. As an adult...
I believe because human beings are horrible, selfish beings that kill for their own good. That rape and molest children. That eat when they are too full to breathe. That make fun of others when they feel insecure. But can show compassion to people they do not know. That will risk their lives to save others. That will fight with a person who has been molested or raped just to make sure they get through.
I believe because when I was growing up, something inside me stayed strong. No matter what happened to me, I got through it. I held onto my belief, to that feeling of peace and love that overwhelmed me when I felt no one else loved me and it got me through those dark times. There's no way I could have ever made it without it.
I believe because no human being could ever fill the void of never knowing my father or losing the love of my life. I believe because my friends call me their Angel. I believe because no matter how screwed up a human being I am, someone is there to say: it's okay.
I believe because on the outside I look fine and on the inside I feel fine despite the fact that I should be in shambles.
Life is so very hard especially when things happen that you can't control. Or when you do things that you should never be forgiven for. Or when you have no money to pay for medical bills.
I believe because when life hits me, I have something stronger that gets me through and God not only gets me through, he provides the patience and strength I need to keep going.
Everyone is entitled to believe in what they believe in and yes grilled Cheesus, you are delicious, but I don't think you prompted Rachel to let Finn touch her boobs... but I truly believe in God. I believe in Jesus as my savior and you would too... if you could only walk in my shoes.
And in Japan, that's highly unlikely because I have boat feet compared to the locals (except that one girl and two men I've seen)...
I believe because when I'm crying, I end up laughing at the fact that this pain is just temporary.
I believe in Love and all good things.
Boom! (love ya cousin).
I love Glee!
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