Still on Kyushu...

It's been ages since I've written on my lovely little blog. A lot has changed since the last time I've updated; yet much has stayed the same.

I'm still on Kyushu Island, still in the South and still overtaken by Japan everyday.

The changes...

My apartment is about 2.5 times the size of my last one, it's definitely older, but the kitchen is bigger!

I started a different job and will be officially working as a Kindergarten teacher coming this April. I've met loads (and by loads I think 11-12) of new people and have been taken out of my comfort zone on many an occasion.
I suppose I'll start with the job. I'm in a city where, apparently the highest number of Yakusa live. Yakusa (I believe that is the way it should be spelled) are the Japanese mafia. You can recognize them by their richly dressed attitudes, badly died hair (for the most part), tattoos and ridiculously flashy cars. I think, I've heard of one family and have seen one car... Kurume is a city...think Chandler (for you Arizonans) on the outskirts of Fukuoka city; which I still love.

The city itself is big enough for me to not be bored on the weekends and small enough for me to want to travel to Fukuoka for some "big city" life. I really enjoy it and find out new things everyday. One of which: I need to smile more.
I've never been so stressed out, in my life, over a job. But, this stress is good stress. It's wanting to do the best I can and waking up with the motivation to do better than the next day. It's gotten so bad that my Japanese teacher has been telling me for a week to: relax. Quichia sensei: please relax...(relaxing gesture) smile (smiling face) and then she laughs at me. To be more intense than my Japanese teacher should be illegal in Japan. She's an "obachan" as she's been at my school since it opened (around 25 years or more) I believe. She knows what she's doing when it comes to teaching and I look up to her and respect her ideas because I generally don't know what I'm doing.

I teach the 3-4 year old Kindergarten class; which is the second youngest (we also have 2 year olds). And when I'm not begging for their attention, I'm changing my voice for the recital of the ABC's...I'm dancing in front of 24 giggling fetuses (Lydia is that the correct spelling?) and I'm praying they understand the main lesson. I'm also always yelling at one girl whom, had she not been so cute, I'd never recognize her face because she's always turned around talking to her neighbors.
Despite the fact that they climb up me (yes, literally grab onto me and hoist themselves up my legs and onto my torso as a small monkey would), make me want to just lay on the floor and take a nap and give me cigarette cravings (once anyway)...I absolutely adore them. I accidentally picked a bloody booger once...

I also do classes in the afternoons and my favorites are an Adult class and a baby class. The adults are just as adorable as the babies and oh so fun. And they bring me snacks. The baby class...one baby has this smile that would brighten up any room. I finally know why people try so so hard to get babies to smile...it's like God enters the room and you're just peaceful and happy. I adore that class. AND they are sooooooo well behaved. Aw

The new people...
Having co-workers is nice. Having co-workers you get along with is great. So far, I have been welcomed warmly. I've been able to go on dinner dates, intrude for afternoon coffee; have meaningful conversations; Sunday Funday/Sunday relax day...and for the first time in a long time, I don't feel so lonely in Japan. My boss has been nothing but supportive and nice to me. It's really a blessing to have been surrounded by so many nice people. I even enjoy karaoke now (especially with whistles!).

I hate snow. It snowed in Kyushu...yes, it's pretty to look at...but to be in? To live in? To freeze in? Um...no thanks.

Japanese boys have become more appealing to me...

Valentine's day= Chcolate= um...yes, please! I eat chocolate now?!

The things that are still the same...

I'm still homesick. I miss my friends, my family, my American sushi and Jack 'N the Box. It's gotten so bad, that I've had a dream that one of the teachers told me there was a Jack in the middle of town... I'll see/eat all of them/that soon enough though. Golden week :)

I'm still running. Spring is blowing us kisses from afar and the weather has been rather lovely (British English 101). My bike has been dusted off and my running shoes still fit properly. Bring it on Spring...I want to explore my city. My friend just told me that there is a running path on the mountain that my apartment faces and there is a potential waterfall...sugoi!!!
I plan on playing there very soon and probably frequently.

Cooking...I've cooked. Thanksgiving dinner was great; even the pepper cake :)
We've had a couple of dinners here and there and I still love cooking. I still want to be a chef when I'm older (forse an obachan).

I'm still teaching.

I'm still in love with my Italian Stallion and my nephew is still amazing.

Here're some pics:

Karaoke night in Kurume :) (outfit compliments of Fukuoka City Zara)

My school: first "snow day" I've ever had...

My sensei playing :)

How could you not fall in love with chocolate when it looks so cute?

I got to visit my beau for Christmas and was able to bring Japan and...China to the table :)

Rice and Vegetables

I find that the closer to payday I get, the less money I have. Especially the last two months. With August's check being less than half of my regular pay check (thank you air borne illnesses), I've been scrimping and saving most of October. I'm okay with that though. I've paid all my bills and sent money back to the states. I got to have fun with people. No traveling this week of vacation, but next week will make up for that.

All I've been eating for the past week, however, has been rice and vegetables. And every once and a while I'll remember I have pasta to make pasta and all kinds of sauces. But, the spaghetti has been eaten and my coffee filter has been used twice in two days. I almost feel like a college student all over again. This, is NOT, intended. It is what it is.

I've made so many great things with rice and vegetables. I made fried rice balls (mmmm yummy) with a great spicy sauce. The next day, I made sweet rice (no vegetables). Hmmm after that, I had a meal of soup with rice in it. I flavored it like one might tortilla soup. It was a delight and lasted for three meals. The sauce really makes the rice. I never thought I'd enjoy rice so much and I'm getting better at not burning the rice at the bottom of the pot. Upon cleaning my drain (well taking out the food catcher from my drain...handy little bags) I found that after soaking all the burned rice from the pots, I could have easily eaten one and a half servings. So, I'm cooking the rice a little shorter.

I don't look at it as a matter of survival but an amazing opportunity to be creative. So, for a few more days: rice and vegetables it will be.

I can't help but crave hamburgers and chicken though. It is what it is.

In less exciting news. I took my first bath today. The Japanese style of bathing generally consists of washing down in a shower that is connected to a short (my legs were definitely bent) and very deep bathtub. So, as I was sitting and freezing while watching Gilmore Girls, I decided to finally use this bathtub.

It was amazing. As soon as I steered my mind away from the heavy water against my chest, I relaxed. For about five minutes. I guess I'm not a bath girl. It's like my own mini spa. And I'm glad I experienced it.

My vacation has been so relaxing. A little boring at times. But already full of drama (and I didn't even leave my apartment yesterday but to go running and check my mail). Monday, I wait for thee. I will be going to Tokyo, then Kyoto and off to South Korea...

Until then..I relax and enjoy not having to move from my bed if I don't want to.

The lighter side of things...The rubbing of the skin

I've been under the impression that the lighter you are in Japan, the better. I've seen women wear white stockings to complement their white legs and blue veins. I've seen women hold up an umbrella to the cloudy days of Nagasaki. So, being the opposite of white, I figured, I'd be frowned upon.

On the contrary...

I went to visit my friend at his bar. I'm standing, talking, laughing...probably eating and I feel a slight rubbing on my arm. It's no big deal. The bar is packed, people bump into each other. Then I feel it again. It turns out, this guy standing next to me is rubbing my arm. I have no idea what he says to me as my Japanese listening skills are as bad as they come...maybe. The bar tender laughs then swats his hand away.

I've noticed this a lot lately. The rubbing of the skin. I guess. It is what it is. Just another thing that amuses me in Japan.

Oh Japan...how I love thee.

Why I believe... and Why I love Glee

Ever since I watched last week's episode of Glee, I've been going back and forth on why I believe in Who I believe in and What I believe in.

And the conclusion is the same every time.

I've had a lot of thinking time as I've been walking/running the 1.5 hours to work every day the last six days. It was hard, walking through mountains and through tunnels and past the biggest spiders I've ever seen in life. OMG these things were huge. I think I spent the majority of my time gawking and silently screaming. Anyway, one day, I opened myself up to the idea that: as long as that spider sits nicely in its web, I'll walk by it without wanting to run.

And as soon as I did that, God spoke to me. It wasn't your stereotypical heavens opened, lights beamed and a big deep voice from above called down to me. It was more of a conscious thing. A small, still voice that said: If you give it room, it will grow as big as that space is. I realized this as I looked and the giantness (that's a new word) of this spider and how LARGE its web was and just how much space it had to build this web (which was my height and wider than me) and how it perched, right in the middle of it; enjoying the breeze just as I was. And I realized that if we give ourselves the chance, if we cling onto our webs and build them as big as we can, we too, will grow. We may need some help though...

So...
I believe because when I was a child, bad things happened to me. As a teenager, worse things happened to me. As an adult...
I believe because human beings are horrible, selfish beings that kill for their own good. That rape and molest children. That eat when they are too full to breathe. That make fun of others when they feel insecure. But can show compassion to people they do not know. That will risk their lives to save others. That will fight with a person who has been molested or raped just to make sure they get through.
I believe because when I was growing up, something inside me stayed strong. No matter what happened to me, I got through it. I held onto my belief, to that feeling of peace and love that overwhelmed me when I felt no one else loved me and it got me through those dark times. There's no way I could have ever made it without it.
I believe because no human being could ever fill the void of never knowing my father or losing the love of my life. I believe because my friends call me their Angel. I believe because no matter how screwed up a human being I am, someone is there to say: it's okay.

I believe because on the outside I look fine and on the inside I feel fine despite the fact that I should be in shambles.

Life is so very hard especially when things happen that you can't control. Or when you do things that you should never be forgiven for. Or when you have no money to pay for medical bills.

I believe because when life hits me, I have something stronger that gets me through and God not only gets me through, he provides the patience and strength I need to keep going.

Everyone is entitled to believe in what they believe in and yes grilled Cheesus, you are delicious, but I don't think you prompted Rachel to let Finn touch her boobs... but I truly believe in God. I believe in Jesus as my savior and you would too... if you could only walk in my shoes.

And in Japan, that's highly unlikely because I have boat feet compared to the locals (except that one girl and two men I've seen)...

I believe because when I'm crying, I end up laughing at the fact that this pain is just temporary.
I believe in Love and all good things.
Boom! (love ya cousin).

I love Glee!

Oh how He loves us

I guess the joy of having a blog is being able to use it to get stuff off your chest. It sucks when you can't do anything about a situation except pray. So...I'll pray and write and sing along.

She hurts.
She hurts continuously.
She hurts continuously as he sits and he laughs.
He laughs while she hurts.
Continuously.

It's a shame because I'm there. In the background. Wanting. Willing. Waiting.
For her to stop hurting.
Waiting.
For him to stop laughing.

To see. She is no longer smiling next to him. Next to him, she sits. Torment in her eyes. Pain in her heart. As she hurts.

No expressions come from her mouth. Because it hurts.
To admit the truth. To admit she should get up.
Up from his side. His smile. His laugh.
Run

Because he doesn't love.
She loves.
But he doesn't love.
He lives.
But he doesn't love.
She sits.
Next to him. In torment. Her heart waiting.
I wait. In the shadows. Reaching out to her. Crying.
Run

Don't look back. Turn and run.
For he doesn't see.
He never sees. He's laughing.
She's waiting.

Stop! Just leave. Stop sitting. Stop waiting.
Get up and RUN!
It's not changing. It will never change.
He doesn't love.
He doesn't see.
He doesn't love.
He doesn't love.
Run.
He doesn't love.
Leave.
He laughs.
Get up.
He doesn't love.

I watch. In torment. My heart. In torment.
Please
Just get up.
Leave.
He can't love.
Not the way he should.
Listen to me.

Leave.
He can't love.
He doesn't love.

Still she sits. Waiting. Willing. Loving.
He won't love. She won't leave.
I'm in the background. Calling out. Crying out.
Why won't you listen?
Run
He can't love.
Not the way he should.

Listen

Love Letter

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (New International Version)

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

This time last year, I would have been sleeping next to you. We probably would have just gotten home and I'd be cranky and cold and you'd be exhausted and warm. You'd wrap your whole body around me and we'd sleep. Snoring, happily. Today, I thought about giving up, about moving on. I'm sure if I were to do so, a few of my friends and even some of my family would rejoice as they've seen us tear apart the Bible verses I've printed.

We've been through so much in the past 4.5 years. We've overcome even more: ourselves, one another. We've lost friends and family members. Lost ourselves and regained strength. As a couple, we were not the perfect example of love. Not in the least bit. But, in time. But, in prayer. But, in hope.

Love is patient, it's kind, it does not boast, is not easily angered. I've never known a person who allows me to break down on a daily basis and still provide comforting words. I wouldn't even wish my crying and whining on another person. But, you listen and you do it with a grace only God can give. You've done and still do all that you can to take care of me. But, not just me: everyone around you. You've waken up in the middle of the night to answer phone calls from friends across the world. You take the time to work an extra job just to help out at home. I've seen you save for months just to spend it on a ticket for your nephews birthday (that he may not even remember!). I've been taught not to boast, to stay humble and I look at you and how hard you work without any complaints.

It's been so long since I've been able to sleep next to you. Since I've been smothered by your giant soccer-legs; but I can still feel you near. I can still smell your cologne and I can still laugh at your aerobics outfits as if I am still watching you get dressed. I haven't written you a love letter in so long. I remember when we first met, we'd write back and forth every day when we were away from one another.

You told me: my love is there, even if I'm bad at writing it down. And I guess this rant is more of a reminder for myself. To not give up. To remember that love always hopes and always perseveres. So, I love you.

My relationship with Japan

I don't like change. AT ALL...okay. Well, I love new things! Like new shoes, new clothes, new food in my fridge... did I mention new shoes???
I just don't like NEW feelings. I'm not good at meeting new people, don't like starting over in relationships and don't like it when food changes from the yummy goodness it was the night before.

So, I'm talking to my friend, Wayne. And we were going through our normal banter. To be honest, I don't even remember what we were "bickering" about. I just remember him telling me to CONFORM! And I said NOOOOOO! It was then that I thought about my relationship with Japan. And after reading Vivian's blog, understanding the fact that I'm totally in a new relationship.

So, some background. Cause, when did I ever blog without backtracking?
It took me 26 years and a LOT of different things in my life (some tragic, some I brought on myself, some I didn't bring on anyone and would never wish on my worst enemy) to become the person I am today. Now, not saying I'm perfect. But, I am at a point where I LIKE myself! And, sorry Wayne, I will not conform...

Back to the conformity that is the issue. I thought about it. I thought about adhering to all the traditions, dating a Japanese man (ahhh that's what it was about, him dating a Japanese girl and me staying true to my beautiful Italian...mmm). So, an explanation. It's not that I think it bad for people to conform to a new culture. Many people come to Japan to "find themselves". I didn't. I know who I am. And know why I came. And I won't conform.

I enjoy everything that is this country. Almost everything lol. I love the fact that my city is so quaint and the people are so sweet. AND that they eat my food willingly!!! I love the differences that I see every day; that I am a foreigner and can't always understand the language. I will force myself to learn the language because it just makes sense. AND it will make my volleyball coach's life so much easier. I'll even learn Hiragana and Katakana and ask people what certain Kanji mean. BUT I'm not conforming. I enjoy Japan for what it is and I enjoy myself, as myself, in Japan. I love listening to Gucci Mane and "Mrs. Officer, Mrs. Officer..." and "A millie A millie A millie..." it never fails to get me ready for a crazy workout. Even IF I'm no where near as fit as I think.

I've been so mopey lately. And complainy (made that up Charlie...I think). But, I love this crazy country despite the things I wish I had from home here. And I don't want to go home. I'd really like to walk to the park by Urakami station (but it poured as soon as I stepped outside). Anywho... so, here are some things that make me smile:

Fukuoka- I love it mainly because of the lights and the shopping and the LOFT... And the fact that there are so many things to go to in Fukuoka: it's not my Nagasaki though:

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My students are respectful and cute. One class- JR high students -all males got up after class and bowed to me! Not over it yet and it was the most amazing experience ever. I heart them...Japanese kids are hilarious! At least my students (and in this case, Mayumi no students desu):

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Mayumisan and tamodachii!!! I love this bar. I rarely go because I'm scared of being dependent upon alcohol especially during my mopey stage and spending all my money on Tequila Sunrises :( but I heart Mayumi's bar too! It's like a big family AND I get to cook (Friday is round two)...

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The Randomness that IS Japan! In this picture Sami (with the dress) had just gotten finished changing (under her dress). Jason, was forced to turn around until she was done...Mayumi was apparently deep in thought and Akaneezysan and I posed for the pic while Sachiko took it! What a great day at the beach. Despite my BBerry dying, my foot scrapping, me tipping over into the ocean and Sami being harassed by every jellyfish in the ocean...

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So... As Vivian mentioned earlier. We are truly in a relationship with Japan. And sometimes relationships have their ups and downs. This last month has certainly had its ups and downs :0) :0( :0) :0( :0) lol was my life on an hourly basis! But, Japan, I do love you. Despite my irrational behavior! Forgive me?